Unrevised short story "Sexual Cannibals"

A short story I wrote for Virgin Mawrtyr, the zine I run on campus. They should be completed by tomorrow. I wrote this in about 7 hours on uppers. I think most of the ideas I wanted to incorporate are present, but it clearly needs heavy revision that I just don't have time to do right now. Until then here is what I have so far.

Happy Together

" We discover Yiu-fai on the subway. He looks pensive, and then, in a maddeningly ambiguous moment, he appears to take something out of his pocket and lookat it for just a second-we can only surmise that this is what he is doing, since the shot only shows his face-and a tiny smile appears. Has he looked at the photo of Chang? As the subway train hurtles into the bright white station, freeze-frame. The End. The Turtles song continues, however, and we suddenly realize that Yiu-fai is still in love with Po-wing and probably always will be. The lyrics spell it loud and clear: "I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my life." But maybe Stokes and Hoover say it best: 'Fai learns to get over Po-wing and on with his life. He doesn't stop loving Po-wing, just as he doesn't hose to love him to begin with, but he makes a choice about how to love him, where they can be 'happy together'-at a distance.'" (86 Brunette "Wong Kar Wai") 

http://www.vimeo.com/2147346

http://www.vimeo.com/214736

"All my life, there you go, oh please stay, just this once, anyway"

I don't remember how it started. I only remember the part where I get out of the school bus and watch it back up. I remember thinking that it was going awfully close to the hill, and then it was going to slide down if the driver wasn't careful. The bus slips. It hits the ditch and seemingly bounces back out on to road slamming into the man directing them in the front, and one other man on the other side of the road, just missing the man beside them. I run down into the road to see if the men are ok. The driver leaves. I scream at the last man standing to call the police but he is really creepy and starts getting really close to my face and telling me we have to work on my work ethic. I get scared and somehow manage to make it to a house that in my mind is Jesse's. I stumble in and there are people in the living room, I don't remember their faces. Jesse is in the bathroom getting out of the shower. I hug him and say it's been a rough day. Then for some reason Mo that hangs out at Roma and is friends with Cordell comes into the living room and points a gun at everyone in the living room. She screams, "It's been a rough day, ok!?" And I moan from the bathroom "Oh, god." She storms into the bathroom and screams "That's exactly what I've been hearing all day, and now I'm sick of it." And proceeds to shoot and miss 5 times. Jesse and I crouch into the corner and I am hiding behind his naked body in the bathroom. She shoots again and makes it this time in my neck and I crouch down with a towel over my face like I'm dead, but I'm just pretending so she won't shoot again. I do that a lot in dreams, as if I got shot I could just stay quiet and pretend I'm dead. I wake up a couple seconds after, pleased in relief that of course it's just a dream. With a giddy smile on my face I shift over to put my arms around my half naked lover only to remember he had left the day before.

Missed connections

FINALLY got a missed connection post on craigslist. I decided to wear my Steve Zissou hat and nerdy glasses that day for a class photo of my Film/Video I course at Penn. My heart literally stopped when I saw it. I probably won't respond to it, since it's probably just some big pseudo-hipster creep, but it's still exciting none-the-less.

"Girl W/ short hair, boots, a red beanie, and big glasses on Penn campus -m4w

It was this afternoon at UPENN

You're a girl dressed in black, with short black hair and a red beanie. You had big black nerdy glasses. I loved your boots and your big glasses. You were near the love sign in locust walk witha  bunch of people having a picture taken. By the way you were dressed I think we might have A LOT of things in common. I'm not a Penn student but I was visiting someone there. i don't think you will ever read this, but it won't hurt trying."

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/mis/855503680.htmlhtt

Dreams

 I awake from a terrible nightmare that one of my oldest and bestest friends in the world tells me she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. This sounds so silly but it was one of the scariest dreams I'd had for awhile. I remember distinctly in it that she looked me right in the eye and said we had never really been friends, we had nothing in common, we were just pretending. And that she thought I was really weird. And then Corey was with her and said she wasn't going to be my friend anymore either cause Nicole wasn't. And then it was strange because within in the dream I wondered if it was a dream because it seemed too bad to be real. Weird. Anyways it was a really sad way to wake up this morning, but at least I feel pretty rested for  8:00 in the morning.

I've been feeling super accomplished lately, especially since I just got my job at Uncommon Grounds, this cafe/restaurant kinda place on campus. I was lucky to get hired esp. cause I'd never had any dining hall experience. They just needed employees really badly and I happened to respond to the ad early enough. So I only work a few hours a week but, it's nice because it feels out my schedule and keeps me busy and extra money never hurt. It'll also be nice when I apply for other barista/food jobs cause then I'll have the experience. 

Anyways, I've been feeling really accomplished and too busy to really notice how lonely I am. Every morning I wake up at 8, take a shower, EAT BREAKFAST (which I never do), go to classes, get lunch, go to work, do homework, eat dinner, do more homework, spend some time with friends, talk to Jesse and then go to bed around 11 or 12. SO get this, I'm eating all of the meals, going to bed early, waking up early, AND getting all my shit done. I haven't even been drinking during the week. I swear it's like I'm a different person. BUT I'm still smoking healthily and not exercising. I was thinking about adding those onboard but that would just be too healthy and freak me out. I just hope all these positive changes don't make me have some nervous breakdown in the near future. But I guess we'll see. 

MOMMY

    I WANT ONE

(hedgehogbabies)

Bruises

A slice across my right breast. Bruises on my knee. A scab on my elbow. As painful as they are I love them. There is something really appealing about injuries, that are especially wonderful when you got them from skinny dipping in fountains with your friends. It's also wonderful when your body is wounded but you're all around content in the soul and are still in love with someone for over a year in your heart. And that person is visiting in a month. 

The only thing I might want to watch out for is my drinking problems. And how I can sometimes be a very angry and irresponsible drunk. I've been drunk this entire week. Like, belligerent and there hasn't been a good median any of the times. I need to be cautious as to avoid embarrassing myself. As in like not calling Ivy and Kevin O'Hal 10 times each over the course of 5 minutes to try and keep them from making out. 

Fall Frolic is on the 15th and I'm super excited. I need to purchase a megaphone STAT. Fall Frolic is when all the clubs get together on the lawn and set up tables to try and convince people to join. I have this great plan of dressing up with Ivy and reading sexy passages of Anais Nin's short erotica over a megaphone. And putting up pictures of my pink pubes all over the table for decor. I don't think people could resist. 

I'm thinking this passage...

"Now she was in the cabin of the smooth Spaniard, Dalvedo. Daledo was peeling some cactus figs for her, and talking. Mathild was regaining confidence. She sat on the arm of a chair in her red velvet evening dress.

But the peeling of the figs was interrupted. Dalvedo rose and said, "You have the most seductive little mole on your chin." She thought that he would try to kiss her. But he didn't. He unbuttoned himself quickly, took his penis out and, with the gesture of an apche to a woman of the streets, said, "Kneel."

And Mathilde again struck, then moved towards the door.

"Don't go," he begged, "you drive me crazy. Lok at the state you put me in. I was like this all evening when I danced with you. You can't leave me now."

He tried to embrace her. As she struggled to elude him he came all over her dress. She had to cover herself with her evening cape to regain her cabin."

We all wanna know the cause

Got to see Broken Social Scene for free last night at Swat. Incredible show. Unfortunately Emily Haines didn't burst out from a curtain to sing Anthems, but they did the song with some other girl singing anyway. Also played Cause=Time which was incredible. Basically got to lay right on the stage, it was awesome. Riki, Hope and I got super lucky and were the last ones squeezed into a small van, and got to sneak in through a back door super late and somehow still managed to get right front and center. A nice night to top off the last couple of shitty days. I did however get more injuries when we went skinny dipping in the fountain that I will post on a later entry when I figure out how to photoshop them to not look retarded on here. 

I haven't done any homework this weekend and have completely forgotten how to motivate myself. I should probably stop watching episodes of daria and figure that out.

A series of hellafuckingshitty events

So even though the last few days have been full of fun and new friends, the last couple of days have truly taken a toll on me. I don't think I've ever been happier to stay in on a Friday night. 

Last night was the worst night I've had in a long time. I met up with Ned after my Penn class (which I'm super stoked for, Video production, yay!) and was convinced into coming to Pilam's first Happy Hour of the year. I had a lot of fun but made sure I left early to make it to the train station in time for the last train out to Bryn Mawr. I also took a cab to insure my early arrival. So I make it early and while I'm waiting on the bench I double check to see if my ticket is in my wallet, and it is all fine and safe. I see I still have 5 mins to pee, so I rush to the bathroom, and somehow between then and when I rushed back my wallet was gone. Either it fell out and someone took it (I checked the bathroom and my running path, as well as the bench) or somehow someone stole it out of my bag. So I'm stuck in Philly for the night with no money,very little battery left in my phone, and no cigarettes ( and no one will let me buy them because my ID is stolen in my wallet.) So I call Ned and whine to him and he tells me I can stay at his house and he'll lend me the money to take the train the next morning. But somehow there is a miscommunication and I end up walking 12 blocks in pinchy shoes and 1/4 of a missing toenail (ouch!) and wait around for another hour until he comes and we leave for his house. That night I decided since I had undergone so much stress, it was legit for me to skip class the next morning seeing as I'd have to wake up at 7 in order to make it and wouldn't have time to get a new bank card and cancel my account.

So I wake up around 11, poop in Ned's toilet and clog it and embarrassingly have to own up to the situation. Ned instructs me with how to deal with it then lends me the money to take the train. (Shout out to Ned for being the most helpful person ever.) I decide after I get my bank card I will go shopping and have a really nice lunch to make me feel better. Unfortunately I can't find any restaurants where I want to eat so just end up eating at Qdoba. I check all my usual stores and find nothing appealing. Lastly I check FYE to buy a sweet video game but can't find anything interesting except the new soul calibur, which I pick out only to find that it is not in stock. So finally I give up, ask a stranger to buy me a pack of cigarettes (which was weird doing again) and head home. When I get home I decide to eat a nice bowl of microwavable chicken noodle soup and taken a nice warm shower to calm myself down. While in the shower I reach down into my shower caddy to grab my face wash only to find that my finger has landed right onto my razor instead and slit half of a cm of the tip off into a hinge. (You can't see it too well in the picture but believe me it is pretty disgusting.) It doesn't stop bleeding for 15 minutes and I have to scramble around naked trying to take care of it. Nonetheless it's been a pretty rough first week and I've never been more excited to just stay at home and do homework for the rest of the weekend.

The Waiting Room

Have been listening to Animal Collective's strawberry jam non-stop since I've been here. This album is so incredible and the sort of upbeat direction I'd love to take with music. Today was super sunny and I spent it mostly by myself and was so happy today for some reason. Just sort of became ok with everything. Walked over to food source and bought a sandwich and ice coffee and just lingered at a patio table for over an hour just enjoying the weather and listening to music by myself. I love days like that.

The last week was spent settling into being back at college and the like. I'm all moved in and my room is surprisingly quite spacious and comfortable. Love my roommate. Love my wii. Love cooking mama. Love skinny dipping in the cloisters. Loving life.

Had some quality father/daughter bonding time for like the first time in my life on Saturday. We went to New Hope which is like an hour North of Philly, my dad's hometown he hadn't visited in 20 years and bumped into random people he knew from forever ago. Was super emotional cause he used to be a drug addict and was coming back sober and successful. It was nice. It made me wonder if I hadn't been back to Eugene for 20 years what I'd be feeling and who I'd bump into. 

I've been working on a short story called the "waiting room," that's about a woman who wakes up in the middle of the night and drives to a waiting room and waits to see a doctor. It's all about this idea that we're always waiting for something in life, and ends up being a huge metaphor for life in the way in which we're always waiting for something permanent, and in the end how the only thing we have to wait for, and what we've been waiting for all along is death. And the god is in the form of a doctor and all that allegorical bullcrap. Maybe I'll post it when it's done.

I've been feeling pretty weird about this limbo period. Lately I've been feeling like I'm in a waiting room. Waiting for school to be over, waiting for a home (not dancing back and forth from Eugene and Philly, my parents house and a dorm), waiting for a permanent lover, a career, life to become "real life." But then I remember there's not much I can do about it and go back to playing cooking mama.

Masculin Feminin

I was lurking Cassidy's blog and found this entry particularly interesting:

"In America, femininity is masculine. Our women are all fourty nine percent man. We like iron-thighed girls with sparkling impish eyes and firm handshakes. We die for them."

I have to say, being in Korea, I'd have to strongly agree with the sentiment. Maybe not 49%, but certainly a far larger portion of masculinity in women is found much more attractive in American women than Asia. Korea particularly I find myself feeling extremely masculine. Most every girl here truly fulfills the submissive asian girl stereotype. I was reading in a cafe today and a couple next to me were discussing what they like in individuals, and the guy flat out said "I can't stand girls with short hair" right next to me! All of the girls have long flowing locks, never leave the house without a pair of heels and a designer handbag. Women are shunned if they smoke in public. I haven't seen a single girl with tattoos or piercings. Many of the asian guys I've talked to (all of which drink and smoke) say they think girls shouldn't drink or smoke at all. Most are so thin and fragile they appear as if they're about to break. All of them just scream high maintenance, which I think is something that American culture now looks down upon. I think it's because the women have to be hyper feminine in order to balance the feminity of asian men. 

Darwinism

Last night I went out to the bars with a bunch of the friends I've made here and it turned into dramafest supreme. Woke up this morning really bummed out about it, but then went shopping and got a cute flapper dress and went to the Samsung art museum with my aunt. Saw some Andy Warhol and some really sweet modern art installations, including one by Yoshimoto Nara of a cottage filled with drawings of all his characters (one of which is the picture above.) Cameras weren't allowed, but I snuck a couple of pictures anyway, I'll post them tomorrow maybe. Now instead of going out on a Saturday night I am drunk in my little humid room finishing up a Moveable Feast. There is a lovely passage Hemingway writes about Scott Fitzgerald I thought I'd share.

" His talent was as natural as the pattern that was made by the dust on a buttefly's wings. At one time he understood it no more than the butterfly did and he did not know when it was brushed or marred. Later he became conscious of his damaged wings and of their construction and he learned to think and could not fly any more because the love of flight was gone and he could only remember when it had been effortless."

A Sentimental Heart

http://kr.youtube.com/watch?v=5o2NLiAKYVQ

I've been listening to She & Him obsessively ever since I heard "Sentimental Heart." It's actress Zooey Deschanel's (who is GORGEOUS) band alongside with M.Ward who I opened for about 2 1/2 years ago. Her voice is really interesting and the lyrics are really sweet. Watching that video makes me want a rhodes more than anyone will ever know. I think the instrumentation sounds really great at the end. 

Love & Permanence

"Terri and I have been together five years, been married for four. And the terrible thing, the terrible thing is, but the good thing too, the saving grace, you might say, is that if something happened to one of us-excuse me for saying this-but if something happened to one of us tomorrow, I think the other one, the other person, would grieve for awhile, you know, but then the surviving party would go out and love again, have someone else soon enough. All this, all of this love we're talking about, it would just be a memory. Maybe not even a memory. Am I wrong? Am I way off base? Because I want you to set me straight if you think I'm wrong. I want to know. I mean, I don't know anything, and I"m the first one to admit it."

"Mel, for God's sake," Terri said. She reached out and took hold of his wrist." "are you getting drunk? Honey? Are you drunk?"

Raymond Carver - "What We Talk About When We Talk About Love"

This passage is the story of my life. I just finished the book. Some really great stories in this collection, like, really subtle and heartfelt and overwhelming kinds. He has this way of telling at least 3 stories in one story. He generally begins with one incredible story, then one of the characters tells a story to the other, distracting the reader with another incredible story, then ends the incredible story incredibly, then ties it back together with the beginning story with an even more incredible ending. My favorites would have to be what we talk about when we talk about love (where the passage is from, and the title of the collection,) Everything Stuck To Him, Tell the Women We're Going and Sacks.

 I've been reading a lot because I have so much time on my hands and haven't been feeling like hanging out with my fob friends. They're all really nice people, it's just hard because we don't have much in common, so I spend all my time reading. I did meet this one girl though that I had an excellent conversation about a lecture she went to in Soho on S&M and how she's reading the "Feminine Mystique." Awesome. She totally doesn't seem like the kind of girl to be into/talking about that sort of thing, but don't judge a book by it's cover I suppose. Everyone thinks I'm a huge nerd. Whatever. Reading is cool. It's kind of nice having no friends because I'm much more productive. I'm already 50 pages in on Moveable Feast.

Now & Then

I wonder if the Cobrasnake scene of today could possibly be our present day equivalent to the Factory in the 60s. That would mean Cory Kennedy would be our Edie Sedgwick. Steve Aoki would be like our Lou Reed. Justice would be our Rolling Stones. That's weird to think about. Maybe the president of Ed Banger would be Andy Warhol. Or maybe now that Vincent Gallo is emerging onto the scene and is adored by Cory Kennedy he'll fulfill the role. PROBABLY, and then when we're old and his brilliance is acknowledged and his face becomes a widespread icon on gap advertisements, I can boast that he wrote me an email requesting my picture. What do you think of the comparison?

Pepe le peu

Yesterday I got back from my 3 day field trip to Gyeongju. We went and visited a couple of temples and museums and it was interesting. I made a lot of friends surprisingly. Drank a lot of Soju and wandered into different hotel rooms all night with friends. It was fun. This morning I woke up and went online to talk to Jesse only to find out that he's been unhappy and has started making changes in his life that seem so out of character. Then I video-chatted with him only to find that he had cut and dyed his hair like a skunk. Overwhelmed because he looked like a stranger I started bawling and screaming and it ruined my whole morning. Who knows why, I guess I just still really care about him and it scares me to think of him becoming a different person. 

At 2:00 pm I went to Yonsei to take my placement exam, got 2 pages in and gave up because it was too hard. Afterwards I went to Dongdaemoon with some friends and met a girl who's louder than me that took us around to go shopping. It was fun but it's frustrating having to commute an hour from Yonsei to Gangnam where my Aunt lives because everyone else goes out and parties way later. Ah well, I suppose I can catch up on Anna Karenina. 

Seoul

Cutest Rice cakes in the world, in Shinsegae Department Store

This is where I ate Bi-Bim-Bop today, also in Shinsegae

This is me and my Aunt's poodle Leon, he is ridiculous but I secretly really enjoy him.

So luckily I made it to Seoul in one piece after a 10 hour flight from San Francisco to Incheon Airport. I've been here for two days and I am so overwhelmingly excited and happy to be here it feels as if I am going to burst. Yesterday my Aunt showed me how to work public transportation, and how to get to Yonsei University, where I will be studying for 6 weeks. It's about an one hour commute, and it is a bit intimidating, but I think I will be able to manage. We also went to Shinsegae department store and walked around the Terminal which is a huge underground market full of really cheap clothes and knick knacks.  Today I went back to Shinsegae on my own and walked around for a long time, I bought some gifts for a few friends, which I think are pretty neat. I was pretty proud of myself for not getting lost or stressed out. Everything is overwhelming cluttered with cutesy bright things it makes my eyes want to explode. Tomorrow I get to go on a 3 day fieldtrip and meet some of my classmates. I'm really excited/super nervous about it because I've never really had asian friends before and I'm not really sure what to expect. I feel kind of like a little kid hoping to make friends and not to be the dorky odd-one-out. I guess we'll see.

Nick & Michelle's Dweeby Sleepover Activities REVEALED

I stumbled across these while I was taking a picture of myself in PDX on Photobooth from a slumber party Nick & I had a couple weeks ago. Haha, I had forgot about them and they just really re-instated just about how nerdy we are. I fkn love you kid, I'm so glad your my boy BFF. FOR LYFE.

Airports

So I missed my flight this morning from Eugene to San Francisco, so in a brash attempt to make it work I was sent on a plane to Portland Airport (where I am currently; reclining on four leather chairs and eating a crappy sandwich that cost $5.99) where I will soon be transferring to San Francisco air. Then I am told to run as fast as my little legs can carry me, out of security, to the International terminal, haggle my way into a ticket to Seoul, then run back through security, and into a plane to Korea all in under 30 minutes. If I do not complete these tasks, I will be stuck in San Francisco until SUNDAY. So let us hope that all my elementary 1st place cross-country track ribbons will arise out of almost 10 years of neglecting to exercise and help me to make this god-damned flight. I've been in this stupid airport for 2 hours now bumbling about, but yay for free internet!

Bande à Part

"A thought crossed Odile's mind like a dark cloud: Arthur would always look at her like a shadow masking his view, as if an ocean of indifference lay between them."

Raspberry Pies

Ugh. I just spent like 20 minutes trying to figure out how to upload multiple pictures on blogspot without it looking stupid, but to no avail. So it looks like the only picture of the completed pie includes me looking like a huge dweeb. Jesse and I made it tonight and played Super Smash Bros. Brawl. The pie was raspberry and we made everything from scratch, including the crust! It was very nice. Tomorrow = band practice and cuttin my hair like Anna Karina.

Lip Synched

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3STEIFWhk4k

HAH. I just got a myspace comment on LGBS telling me they heard my music on youtube and loved it. I was really confused because I've never posted anything onto youtube before, so I checked it out only to find a girl had taped herself lip syncing "Laughter Makes the Heart Grow Fonder." Fucking HILARIOUS. Check it out.

Wack-Job Hotties

It's 5:30 a.m and I have been laying in bed since 10 p.m. My insomnia has gotten absolutely ridiculous and has only resulted in several hours of sleepless groaning, reality television watching, nacho-eating and internet lurking, only to find that Natalie Portman and Devendra Banhart are apparently dating. I can't decide if it's super adorable or super infuriating, and if it does make me angry, if I'm more jealous of Natalie Portman for getting to date Devendra Banhart, or the other way around. I've had a crush on Devendra for way longer though, and meeting him and having him put me on his guest list for the show in Philadelphia sort of obligates me to be on his side. He just really makes me want to date a boy that has longer hair than me so I could run my fingers through it. And then he'd wear it in cute buns and stuff. I read a bunch of really tragic articles claiming Portman's bad taste and pegging Banhart as a wack-job. She's fluent in Hebrew and he wears turbans, they're nerdy New York hipster celebrities, and I don't see how that's not cute, even if psychedelic folk is pretentious and passe.

New Blog

So I've been lurking Nick's blog lately and have been inspired to create another one of my own. Probably about the 5th or 6th one of these that I have tried to maintain, but hopefully I will be able to keep this one up for awhile. I like Nick's approach to blogging because I think it'll be a much lower maintenance approach and realistic ambition to update daily, or at least frequently, if the entries remain short and simple. My plan for this blog is less daily activity, life of Michelle sort of things, so hopefully no emotional rants or drama coverage, but rather, art/news/music/film/ideas/literature I want to reflect on. Perhaps brief notes of my life will be included, but more so my personal artistic endeavors and travels. I think that covering the trip to Korea that I am soon to embark on, come the 20th of June, would be legit to cover.

The picture above in case anyone is reading and wondering is from Godard's La Chinoise. I watched the film fairly recently (about a week or so) with Cassidy and it just blew my mind. I figured I'd put it up so I could mention my screen name's inspiration (littleredmaomao,) particularly the sweetest french rock song. The song is all about communism and has a great hook that consists of a little "Mao! Mao!" hail at the end of each verse stanza. I would really like to cover it. I highly recommend the film, I think it's definitely one of his best. The movie is especially pleasant if you are able to watch it in a place where you can smoke simultaneously, as French movies often include chain-smoking and can be rather torturous to get through if you are a smoker and have to pause every half hour to relieve yourself.